Empire Recap, 11/4/15

Okay, seems lots of you ‪#‎Empire‬ watchers were confused by tonight’s episode, so allow me to Recap for you…

This episode opened with Becky getting some good loving with Gutter Life rapper J. Poppa. I bet Becky’s got some tricks the way she cocked that leg up.

No, you did not miss an episode… Hakeem went through the quickest kidnapping in television history. I mean, they didn’t even have time to pick up the Missing fliers from Kinkos. He was snatched, ransom paid, the end. Oh, except for when the kidnappers let him go and he wandered into Boo Boo Kitty’s bed because yeah, you know, after you’ve been kidnapped the first thing you want to do is have sex with your almost step-mama.

Jamal was mad because he keeps being marketing as a gay artist because while “he’s gay and he’s an artist, he aint no gay artist.” (Did anyone else scratch their head on that one?).

Hakeem tried to perform with 3L-Latinas. He started bumping into everyone as it appeared he was suffering from what my friend Michelle Mitchell calls PTKS (part time kidnapping syndrome). But don’t fret. If you went to refill your wine, by the time you came back, he was cured! (And his eye healed in record time!) Poor Boo Boo Kitty…she gave him some kitty consolation and in true 22 year old form, he didn’t call her again.

How you gonna run a label called Gutter Life quoting Bible scriptures? Well, that’s exactly what Andre did. In fact, he convinced Becky’s boo, J. Poppa to incorporate God into his hood rap. That didn’t best online casino go over too well with Lucious. But he felt redeemed when Thug-Tasia took the stage, until she kicked a heckler in the face, then took off running. Andre called her a liability and told Lucious he put him in charge, to which Daddy Dearest quickly reminded Dre that he put him in place, not in charge. Lucious is intent on reining that gangsta in and went to the hood to get her…and give her the Soda Pop song he originally tried to give to Hakeem. He has some affinity for Thug-Tasia (probably because he had her daddy killed, but I digress)

Cookie went to try and make a deal with the kidnappers to get them to leave the Lyon’s clan alone and Hakeem pulled a gun and played tough guy. Unfortunately, he failed because it seemed like he was holding a water pistol. Of course, Mama had to show him how it was done.

Cookie FINALLY got over Lucious to get her some loving and she turned to Max (Adam Rodriguez). And after uttering the romantic “So we gon’ do this or what” phrase to him, he took her right there on the table….and we saw the same bull tattoo on his back that the kidnappers had. Yep, Cookie is getting got – and not just on the table. Boy, can you imagine her wrath when she finds that out…(Tell the truth, how many of y”all got mad about Adam being a bad guy)?

What were your thoughts on this episode? Will you be back next week?
PS – Things I never need to hear again…Becky talking about a rod hitting her walls. Like ever. In this life or the after life.

PPS – Boom, boom, boom, boom, bang, bang, bang, bang…Really??? Just when I got “Drip, drop” out of my head, here’s another soda pop rap that I’ll be unwittingly singing all night. I’m gonna go listen to Ice Cube or Tupac to try and get that rap drivel out my head.

PPPS – Ummm – Commerical break: Cant wait to see Creed. That Michael B. Jordan is fine…I could be his BooBoo Kitty…too bad Im old enough to be his…aunt…oh, and I’m married…

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Empire Recap, 10/21/15

Drip…drop….drip….drippity….drop …that’s me sprinkling some holy oil around my TV….All right, now that that’s done, let me give you your ‪#‎Empire‬ recap.

Andre rolled up in Club Empire and it clearly made him uncomfortable. He wasn’t feeling the lap dances and Sodom and Gomorrah partying.

Tiana was robbed by a chick with a razor under her tongue and jacked for her purse. (I mean your headquarters are in the hood, what did you expect?) Cookie realized she was being shaken down by some neighborhood thugs.

These Brohs aint loyal – Dora, I mean, Michael, the hanger-oner was well, hanging on. The creepy-looking painter tried to convince Jamal that a mouth is a mouth and tried to take him in ways that just ain’t right for prime time TV. Jamal rebuffed him, professing his love for Micahel. So, painter dude (who looks like he’s carrying seven STDs)…. went for Jamal’s boo. Jamal walked in on the act and threatened to Red Painter Dude (that’s from the Five Heartbeats for the slow folks) before throwing him out….and Becky got in a punch for good measure. Hopefully, Jamal threw Michael out right behind him.

Adam!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In one celebrity appearance that definitely gets my approval, Adam (I didn’t catch his name) met with Cookie to become her promoter and from the looks of things, steal her heart. Portia brought a Doberman, I mean a mutt named Whooptie Woo to protect Lyon’s Dynasty, but Adam looks like he has that covered, stopping some goons Lucious had sent to break into Cookie’s studio. (Adam and Taraji need to just go on and hook up. Isnt this the third movie they’ve done together?) ‪#‎WheresTyrese‬

Andre went to visit Rev. Rice, who told him his house ain’t clean if his closets are dirty. So Andre started confessing his sins. He told Jamal and Hakeem he was behind the robbery at their studio last year. He told Lucious, he was behind the blackmail. He told Cookie he’d done bad things and like a true mama, she told him to shut up talking. Andre wanted everyone to come to his baptism – including Lucious who originally said he wasn’t coming “to オンライン カジノ watch Andre get dunked in tap water.”

Guess when you get murder charges dismissed and dig up dead bodies…you can make yourself at home. And Thirsty, the shady lawyer, did just that – so he was all up in the boss’s office fixing drinks and lounging….til Andre kicked him out. Thug-Tasia was in the studio getting fatherly advice from her father’s murderer, I mean friend. Sidenote, I must be old because this gangsta rap makes my head hurt. ‪#‎BringBackTupac‬

At Andre’s baptism Lucious had flashbacks to his bipolar mother dunking him in water as she sang gospel songs. The memory sent him running out the church. This episode wrapped up with Hakeem taking a jog through the park when he was kidnapped by thugs. Looks like on the next episode, the Lyons will put aside their bickering to bring Hakeem home. This family gives new meaning to the phrase, I can mess with you, but no one else can!

PS – Can somebody get Jamal some shirts with some buttons
PPS – Andre….might want to run by CVS and pick up an EPT because that baby aint bumping
PPPS- Becky…..sigh….
PPPPPPPPPPPPSSSSS – So I like REALLY like Empire….but umm, Lee and Danny, I’m not feeling this playing with God thing. ‪#‎GoingToCleanOutMyClosests‬

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Scandal Recap, 10/15/15

Welp, I’m definitely re-inspired by ‪#‎Scandal‬! So let me recap this episode of What Really Goes On in DC…I mean Scandal…

The show opened with a “60 Minutes” special, detailing Olivia Pope’s life….her privileged upbringing, amazing accolades and tantalizing Thotness. In fact, the media covered her like CNN covered that Malyasia plane crash – 24-7….Liv got more coverage than Donald Trump and it was driving her crazy. (If you can’t take the heat, stay out the president’s bed. ijs)

Quin pulled out her girl clothes to go meet Marcus (the brother from the powerful Michael Brown-inspired episode last year). She offered him a job as a Fast-talking Gladiator. He promptly turned her down….made it home, realized his lights were about to be cut off because he was so broke, and headed back to take Quin up on her offer. Marcus is about to be my new favorite character. On a side note, I wonder is Columbus sitting at home going, ‘He ain’t all that’… On another side note, if Marcus ever needs a love interest, someone let Shonda know I’m a bonafide actress who can play a Cougar very well.

I was happy to see crazy Charlie back. (I don’t know why I like that psychopath). But he and Jake took the Shondaland Express to Paris to deal with yet another foreign espionage situation that I don’t have a clue about….It only took 2,398 episodes, but Jake finally got another girl – his ex-wife. Yep, ol’ Jake was married. Something about him not waiting for her in a train station caused them to split. After getting shot by Shonda only knows who….Jake told her to come back to the states with him.

Meanwhile, the women of the Senate called a meeting saying they wanted to impeach Fitz for being a online casino ho. Mellie wasn’t down but Cyrus gave her his Superbowl halftime motivational speech trying to get her to change her mind. Mellie ended up firing Cy. Poor Cyrus. He can’t catch a break.

Cancel the Amber Alert….Baby Teddy has been located! Finally, Mellie and Fitz remembered they were parents and played hide and seek with their adorable tot! Well, I guess we still need that alert for Cy’s chocolate drop. He gave a whole soliloquy about fatherhood and I thought finally, he’s talking about his daughter. Only he wasn’t…..he was talking about being a father to Fitz. Cy doesn”t just need a break, he needs therapy.

Fitz got to wheeling and dealing and offering up deals to the good ol’ boys to get them to get off his back. (Why do I feel like this is really how they make deals in DC). Some pasty head, Kojak-looking senator told Fitz to kill the Brandon bill (thats the gun control bill Fitz had in honor of the black kid that was shot by police last season) or else he would lead the call to impeach Fitz. Then, right before he left, he told Fitz that next time, he should “Choose a girl that’s more palatable to the base.” For the slow folks, that means, stay away from dark meat. Yes, Shonda went there.

Marcus went into PR mode, pulling the race card on every media outlet for their portrayal of Liv, and effectively shutting them down. He told Quinn and Huck, “This is how I gladiate!” Yep, he definitely will be a breath of fresh air.

Sick of the way the media had been treating Liv, President ‘Big Pimpin’ Fitz said ‘Let me give these folks something to talk about!” He rolled out his motorcade like he was going to a UN Delegation meeting….and headed to Liv’s house. With the media going crazy, he grabbed Liv and said “I’m taking my woman on a date!”

Awwww…..except Mellie wasn’t feeling the lovefest. She went back to the lady Senators and said let’s get this impeachment ball rolling!

Things are surely heating up….Until next week…

PS — I hope that tease for next week isn”t of Liv changing her mind again. Good grief. First you want him, then you don’t, then you do, then you don’t. Liv’s got more flip flops than an Old Navy summer sale…
PPS- Speaking of sales…Dear Limited, when will that sweater Liv had on at the end be in stock??
PPS – I need somebody to break Poppa Pope outta prison. I need some monologues in my life.

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Empire Recap, 10/14/15

#Empire Recap: This episode opened with Jamal jammin as the FBI raided Empire. Thirsty, the lawyer, rolled into Lucious’ bedroom as he lay with some random chick, thanked Lucious for his night with the twins…and told Lucious, the feds were on the way. Of course, Lucious wanted to give the feds a proper greeting, so he donned his birthday suit and told them to search away.

The feds also searched Cookie’s new studio, so the Lyon’s clan had to come together to send a message to the authorities. Hakeem asked Lucious point blank if he killed Bunky. With a straight face, Lucious gave him that Bill Clinton answer. “I did not have murderous relations with your mother’s cousin.”

Cookie showed up in her Cross Colours St. John suit and asked Lucious for a truce. They agreed to have Hakeem and Jamal film a video together.

Dre, still harboring daddy issues, said if he could make the Fed investigation go away, could he get back in Empire. Of course, Lucious said yes. (If I was Dre, I would’ve needed that in writing)….so Dre went home and told Rhonda he needed to dig up Vernon’s boy. He said God had been talking to him.(I”m not one to question anyone when they say they talk to God….but umm, I don’t know if God says, “Go forth and move the dead body”), but I digress….Rhonda, was like, ‘Come on, baby, I”m your ride or die.” Until they went digging where they buried him (by the tree with a hole in it)…..and they discovered ALL the trees had holes. Yep, they lost the body. At that point, Rhonda was rethinking that ride or die thing….A car drove up and the couple just knew they were busted. Turns out it was Lucious and his trusty attorney! They’d put a tracking device on Dre’s car and followed him. Rhonda explained what they were doing and Thirsty was like, ‘Bam, I just so happen to have a dead body detector”. (I hope that I never need a lawyer, but if I do….I hope he can be like this Easter-Sunday suit wearing, Player-Player, Jack of All Trades reformed crackhead from the Wire….)

Wearing the latest outfit from the Eddie Murphy Delirious collection, Cookie was arrested after Portia jumped the subway turnstile and used her name. As the cops tossed Cookie in the car, she yelled “If I die in police custody, I did not commit suicide!” Big ups to the writers for that ‪#‎SandraBland‬ line. In jail, Cookie started having flashbacks and knew she needed to tell the feds what they wanted. Or so it seemed. Cookie ain’t no snitch….and she ain’t no fool. She made up a story about how best online casino Lucious might’ve killed Bunky over a radio deal….which of course, caused the feds to shut down the deal and keep Lucious from buying up the radio stations and keeping Cookie’s music off the air.

Brotherly animosity took its toll and a fake fight while filming the video turned real and Hakeem bolted. He went to a Tom Jones bar to drown his sorrows and found his next girl star to take the place of Valentina, who Lucious stole from him last week.

Ricky and Doughboy’s mama came strutting out of her house (her boobs must be new because she isn’t trying to cover them up!). She was excited because she thought she had something on Lucious and she was confident she’d find Vernon. She found him all right…..his mummified body was sitting in her front seat!

Yessss! Looks like it’s back on the upswing. Did you see the preview for next week???? Empire partying like Sodom and Gomorrah….And Dre bout to find Jesus…Can you imagine the turmoil that will bring to Lucifer, I mean Lucious? I’ll definitely be tuned in next week. (Bring on Adam Rodriguez!!) What about you? Are you back? Or did they lose you for good?

See you next week.

PS – What is Jamal’s boo, Dora’s job? Background lurker????
PPS- Won’t you sign the petition…‪#‎FireBeckysStylist‬….?
PPPS – Ive never been inspired to buy music from a TV show, but yeah, I’m bout to head over to iTunes…

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