Empire Season Premiere, 9/23/2015

Okay, some of you may be new to this Recap Party so let me explain how this works. This is called a RECAP…which means I will be discussing what happened in the premiere episode….which means there will be spoilers…which means, if you haven’t seen it…STOP READING….Okay, since you kept reading, that means you’re cool with it….so let’s get it popping!

Empire opened up with Star Power… We already know everybody, they mama nem, and their next door neighbor’s cousin wants to be on this show. And tonight, we got glimpses of Rev. Al, Andre Leon Tally, Don Lemon, Miss Lawrence (who knew she could blow like that), Deray Davis…and Pookie, I mean Chris Rock. Yeah, I know actors like to stretch….but I like funny Chris Rock. It was just hard for me to take him serious as a cannibal (did you catch that?) ruthless kingpin. But alas, he wanted to rule the streets and Lucious wanted to rule the world. And oh yeah, he gave Cookie a head-in-a-box and well, if you mess with Cookie, you mess with Lucious, so it was a wrap for Chris’ role.

Big ups to the wardrobe dept for Becky…now can y’all just get the hair department on board ‪#‎BurgundyBlackBrownJustNotBlonde‬

Jamal’s new hit needs to be “I’m feeling myself.” He’s another one I can’t take serious. You can’t be all hard, pinching your boyfriend’s nipples, taking down a take-over, getting all up in your mama’s face, then crying online slots when she slapped you. On the real, Cookie needed to break out that broom on him too….

Cookie and the team tried to court lesbian billionaire Mimi to give them the money to take over Empire. Mimi wanted Anika A la Carte and Cookie told BooBoo Kitty to take one for the team (she did, but obviously her cookies weren’t all that)….

They dug Ricky’s mama up out of the Boys in the Hood archive to play the prosecutor. Since when does the DA see clients with her tatas hanging out??

Lucious…gotta love him. He plays dirty. He plays to win…..and while he can screw over his family, no one else can. Can’t wait to see what he has up his prison sleeve this season.

Time for the Favorite lines….What were yours? Here are mine…

“You cant even dyke right…”
“Why you crying like Tammy Faye Baker?”
“Why you look like Mr. T?”
“Will He, won’t He will!”

Empire was doing the most tonight….Now you tell me is that a good thing or a bad…

That’s it, for now. I’m gonna have to rewind some parts. I watched with a non-Empire watcher and Victoria Christopher Murray asked 1,438,980,232 questions…messing up my Empire flow! See you next week!

PS-Did you catch that Donnie shade, tho???
PPS – What stars do you want to see on the show? Or are you starred out?
PPPS- Make sure y’all watch Blackish and give them some love, too….and then, go read a book!

‪#‎Empire‬

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Empire Season Finale Recap, 3/18/2015

Somebody get me a BC Powder, because my head is throbbing as I process everything I just saw! The season finale of Empire had it ALL! So strap yourselves in as I recap tonight’s two hour show! (Read at your own risk!!!)

Cookie Monster
Cookie traded in that light meat for dark and jumped all in with that fine Derek Luke….(You know its good to you when you let your man stroke your weave)….But it wasn’t good enough to get Cookie to give up everything and move to DC. Malcolm tried to get her go, but she patted his cheek and said, “It was one night, I don’t know you like that…”

Iyanla, Fix my family…
The Lyons put the Func in Dysfunctional! Hakeem was too through with his daddy so he used his moment “up thurrrreee” with Snoop to call out Pops. Of course, Lucious was none too happy, so he pulled a Deebo and knocked Hakeem the f- out.

God don’t like ugly
Lucious as God and Snoop as Jesus, ummm, no. Lucious kept calling himself God….and when he found out he’d been misdiagnosed and didn’t really have ALS, he definitely felt immortal. Carol tried to school her sister, telling her “You served 17 years in prison, you can suck it up for a few more years til Lucious dies.”

Lucifer can dish it but can’t take it
“Hell wants the devil back and Lucious is on his way.” That’s how Cookie summed up her ex…who fired her when he found out she was frolicking with the help. Forget the fact that he was engaged to someone else and has bedded everyone from his daughter-in-law to groupies….the thought of Cookie giving up the cookie to someone else sent him casino online over the edge and he locked her out the company. ‪#‎SuchaManMove‬

And the new head of Empire…is Big Red
Andre is unstable….that Cub, Hakeem, was banging the Cougar that was two days from being his stepmother (can we call Tiana so he can get with someone his own age?)…so Lucious passed the Lyon’s staff (no really, he gave him a Lion’s staff) on to Jamal, who proved he had the biggest balls of all. From dangling Baretti casino over the balcony to his freestyle, albeit very awkward rap with Big Rambo, to his doo-rag wearing performance at the concert, Jamal was trying desperately to follow in his daddy’s footsteps. (But somehow, I think it was all a setup. Lucious ain’t changed his stripes that fast).

Rise of the Phoenix
Snitches get stitches…but what happens when you snitch on yourself???? That Tramadol had Lucious talking in his sleep. He confessed to killing somebody named Shine, and Bunky. The news almost had Cookie starring in an episode of Snapped as she was half a breath away from smothering Lucious with that Goosefeather pillow…

Please pass the Holy Oil
So….we just gon’ mix the gospel song with the Cougar sex scene, the office gay scene…and attempted homicide??? Okay…and yes, I kept watching…I mobile casino just doused a little holy oil and kept it moving…

And then this happened….
*I don’t know much about rap battles….but ummm, is that how they doin’ it now??? And how do you come back in a rap battle when their hook is “no weapon formed against me shall prosper….beooyyych??”

*Boo Boo Kitty must”ve forgot Cookie did 17 years of hard time….That catfight was straight outta Rikers…..But I”ll give it to Anika…she wasn”t a punk…she held her own.

*Lucious may not be God….but he sure delivered JHud from her religion real fast…

*Just when you thought Rhonda was out the picture, she showed back up and killed Uncle Vern. Now, the Fed’s star witness is gone, so that means we’ll be seeing the Immortal Life of Lucious Lyons soon.

*Lucious is on lockdown. The big night was capped with Lucious”s arrest and him put in solitary confinement….cause he was the only one in that jail cell….and probably plotting all the ways he would create havoc once he got out.

This show is mind-blowing, heart stopping, pure-dee good. Now, we all need to go read some books until it comes back in 2016…(oh, and you can start here…www.reshondatatebillingsley.com). What? If Becky can demand respect, I can pitch my books….

PS-I know y’all were hating on all the commercials (especially the Matthew Lincoln commercials…oh, it was just me?)….but hey, Cookie ‘nem aint working for free and since I’m sure all their salaries will be doubling next season, they need to raise all the money they can.

PPS-But did you catch the Power commercial? That two quarters boy (50 cents) aint crazy. ‪#‎GoWhereThePeopleAre‬

PPPS – You know you the business when promos for other shows imitate you ‪#‎WierdLoners‬

PPPSS-Saying an extra prayer for all of you who raced home from Bible Study to catch the finale….Well, at least y’all went so maybe you need to pray for the rest of us….

PPPSPSPSPS – Soooooo…..Becky is half white…that explains the blonde hair.

PPPPPPSSSSS – It”s been fun recapping for you…Let’s hear your predictions for next season! ‪#‎GameTimeBeeyooches‬.

#EmpireFinale

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Empire Recap, 3/4/2015

Now, that I’m able to breathe again, let me recap the only show that has me hollering at my TV, getting misty-eyed, dang near about to pass out in anticipation….and trying to start a tshirt business with Cookie’s one-liners….

A Good Man is Hard to Find
BooBoo Kitty tried to jump bad and walk out when she got called out about consorting with Billy Biretti. Hey Anika, the enemy of your enemy is your enemy….Your Ivy League degree should tell you Billy is using you. And you’re trying to end up in a plot next to Bunky calling this dude to come pick you up from Lucious’s house. Rock-a-bye, Boo-Boo…

A Family Affair
I love how the family came together and tried to save their empire. Even that Play Thug Hakeem offered up some C4 (as if he’d even know how to light it)…But Hakeem showed a little maturity, being honest with Tiana, listening to his mama….and blocking Boo-Boo Kitty.

Friends or Foes
So, Gangsters just draw weapons in the middle of the day now? Were they just gonna shoot it out over an artist? Whats the going rate for Gangsters? Do they get paid by the hour? Just wondering how much you gotta get paid to be willing to die for someone. I was looking for Suge Knight to whip his car around the corner and run somebody over…

Mama’s Boy
Jamal has been hanging around his mama and she’s been schooling him well…from flirting with the help to standing up to his dad…Jamal got him a new bae, a new singer and a new attitude. Yep, he was feeling himself. No, really. He was feeling himself. All casino over.

Sinners and Saints
Turn Up…For What??? Empire! Cookie tried to tell y’all, the streets aint for everybody….thats why they made sidewalks. While one dude ate a gallon of Froot Loops, Cookie challenged the rapper, Royalty to a drink-off. He didn’t know that 17 years of prison hooch will give you the ability to drink anyone under the table…Exhibit A – The 3-6 Mafia crew passed out in the studio.

The Secret He Kept
And on the next episode of Snapped….We knew this was coming…Andre dumped his medication (as so many of the mentally ill do), essentially lighting his cannon. When they start talking in third person about themselves, it’s bout to be trouble…trou-ble….

My Brother’s Keeper
Is it just me or was that elevator scene powerful? Now before I get anymore “You’re insensitive to mental illness” comments…I’ve seen that decline in real life…if family can stay like Hakeem and Jamal…it can make a world of difference. (My kinfolks lock the door and wait for “the episode” to pass) While that Solange-Jay Z elevator scene was powerful, the boardroom scene was heartbreaking…The wife was looking like, “I didn’t sign up for all of this.” (On a serious note….Glad to see this issue being tackled on TV)

Let the Church Say Amen
As always, let me close with my favorite lines…”That’s my name, take a bite,” “Take these Cookies, I won’t tell”….”I got what I wanted then I got rid of her, kinda like I did to you.”…”Bye Felicia. Lets go grab this ho clothes. Help her move out.” And the one from my favorite character (after Cookie)…”Quit touching all over each other and put your chest up.” What was your favorite line?

Only three more weeks of star-studded, heart racing, did-Jennifer-Hudson-really-kiss-Andre awesomeness.

PS-Can somebody play with that baby? Everybody’s just passing her in the hall and patting her on the head like she”s a poodle. (Swab her mouth while you”re at it)

PPS-Lucious embodies all that is wrong with fathers in denial…

PPPS-Dear Mo’Nique. I cut for you. But umm, no.

PPPPS – Dear Becky, 1B is your friend.

PS, and a half-If you missed any past updates, check them out http://www.reshondatatebillingsley.com/?page_id=733

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Empire Recap, 2/25/2015

Every time this show comes on, I think it can’t get any better…and yet it does!!! Here’s your recap, and in case you haven’t figured it out yet….there will be SPOILERS!!

It’s hard out here for a pimp
Cookie was making up for 17 years of abstinence but she told “old head” Lucious he’d have to get rid of the fake Halle Berry/Lena Horne/Dorothy Dandridge if he wanted to take another nibble off her cookie (I think her exact words were “You want Cookie’s Nookie, ditch the b*tch”)….When he told her “I’ve been with a lot of women” she should’ve slapped him and said wrong answer!…Lucious wanted to have his Cookie and eat it too…but BooBoo Kitty wasn’t having it. In true Desperate Wanna-Be Housewife fashion, she gave him the “marry me” now ultimatum. Lucious seemed to fall for it but something tells me he has a Plan B up his sleeve (B for “Bunky” Boo Boo Kitty). When he finds out that dirty kitty has been sleeping with the enemy (Judd Nelson)…it”s gonna be on!

Paging Dr Phil
Lucious got sick of the bickering and made his family talk it out. Hakeem ’Spoiled Brat’ Lyons lamented that Cookie “ act like she’s running the show, always bossing him around, walking into rooms when she aint supposed to” Oh…I thought that’s what mamas were supposed to do…

Do it for the Vine…I aint gon’ do it!
Rhonda Take-one-for-the-Team got literally sick when her cuckoo husband tried to pimp her out to the decrepit dude in the wheelchair….She’ll wear a bib, screw you in casino online a cucumber mask and rollers casino online but she draws the line at being a Geriatric whore for a handicapped Hugh Heffner.

Reading Rainbow
Honey, Cookie must’ve been spending some time in the library because she was reading EVERYBODY tonight!! I don’t know which line was my favorite…”What can mobile casino you do Yoko, can you play the tambourine?”….”You look like you got a long tongue..” When she called “Auntie Camilla” a “Cougar crackface” or when she told Anika, “Did he tell you we did it again? Congratulations, you look pretty”…I’m gonna start a tshirt business casino spiele at the Swap Meet with Cookisms on them..

Crazy has entered the building
Poor Andre “I wanna kill my family in their sleep’ Lyons…he is on a downward spiral that no amount online casino of Prozac, casino online Zantax or Benadryl can stop. He can’t sing so he feels like the odd man out. Daddy gave him the ‘if she can’t use your comb, don’t bring her home’ speech and he realized that no amount of scheming, underhanded, dirty, pimping out his wife would earn him any respect. Po thing cant even load the gun right to kill himself….But did you see the previews of him dumping out his medicine. If this is how he acts ON meds…buckle up because we’re in for a wild ride!

That’s my jam!!! Oh, never mind
Maxwell’s little brother convinced Jamal to come out like a boss…and he did! Almost sent his poor daddy into cardiac arrest right there in his King Jaffee (from Coming to America) jacket. All you guys know you were jamming Jamal’s song…singing along and got to that last line and was like, Wait What?….‪#‎WhenAManLoveAMan‬.

Whew that’s it for this episode of “Pick your jaw up off the floor.” Next week, have the defibrillator on hand, because it’s gonna be heart-stopping!

PS-Can somebody call Lee Daniels and tell him I wanna come write for him?
PPS-And act. (I can play a mean Cupcake!)
PPPS- Since someone said my recaps were good and I should be a writer….. reshondatatebillingsley.com ‪#‎CookieNeedsToManageMe‬

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