Empire Recap: Come back to Empire because Empire is back! Before we begin, can we take a moment to thank the Powers That Be for bringing back Timbaland!!! #MusicRocked
All right, this episode opened with Lucious inviting his family over for Thanksgiving dinner. He asked them to forget their little Lyon’s Den project and come back to Empire and they told him where he could go. After exchanging words, Cookie let it be known that she was always gonna get hers….just not with him. Then she had every black grandmother in America fussing, when she made a dramatic exit and wasted all that good food.
Chris Rock/Frank Gatz”s daughter, the thugged-out Fantasia, rolled up to Empire with the 2Dumb Crew to take Lucious up on his offer to give her a rap deal. Since her crew didn’t understand the big words like ‘Contract” and ‘Royalty’ they bounced back to the hood.
BooBoo ‘Needs to pick a side” Kitty met with Lucious, who tried to get her back by telling her she was dirty anyway, decided she’d rather work with Cookie. So after groveling and delivering a classic “You are badder than all the animals whose prints populate your wardrobe” line, she convinced Cookie to bring her back on board.
Poor little Jamal….He can’t get no respect….He keeps trying to assert his authority but it’s just not working…He just needs to go sing at the Sky Bar or something….Although his song with with that Bulldog, I mean Pit Bull, was kinda haute (I need some rap lessons because I didn’t know who Pit Bull was)…
Lucious threw himself a coming home party….(Cue Aretha Franklin’s ‘Chain, Chain, Chain) and Cookie bum rushed the stage, wearing the newest outfit from the Mr. T collection and a Grace Jones crimped out Marley mohawk. She introduced Hakeem, who came out rapping some words I didn’t understand, but did have me bobbing my head.
Andre used Rhonda’s questionable pregnancy (I’m gonna need to see her pee on a stick) to get back in with his daddy. Instead of being happy, Lucious wondered about the baby’s mental state. Then, there was a flashback to biracial little Lucas and his mama in her impulsive bipolar state sitting in front of their plastic-covered sofa….Lucious shook away the memory, hugged his son, then called him out for using his child….before kicking him out. Poor Andre….he’s one 45 minute show away from starring in an episode of Snapped
Lucious went to the projects in search of Thug Fantasia. He rolled up on her in a rap battle with a fake Biggie…Of course, fake Biggie said some lyrics I needed translated…but it made Thug Fantasia so mad, she pulled out a gat and started firing. (Of course, then everyone best online casino else pulled out their guns as well). Lucious tried to talk to her while the sirens wailed in the background. They must’ve taken the long way to the hood, because we heard sirens for about 15 minutes and no cops….
Lucious pulled a Pope Pope, rolling up on Jamal as he was running back to mama. He got Jamal in check, then went to stop Cookie and Hakeem’s debut of their new girl group, the Latina 3LW. He stopped them all right…by not only signing away their lead singer, but buying the radio station they were about to appear on as well. (Cookie, Imma need you to get some legal counsel because why did you have those girls practicing without a contract???)
Somebody buy Lucious a case of Tide because this dude is DIRTY!!!! It is definitely game time for the dysfunctional Lyon’s clan! And I can’t wait to see how it all unfolds. Now, let me get back to writing so I can build my own Empire and have my kids fighting over who’s going to write my books!
PS—Cookie, 1986 called, they want their gold hoop earrings back
PPS- Lucious-Please hook your attorney from the Wire up with your tailor….those Easter suits look like they itch
PPPS- Every time I see that stalking district attorney I hear “Rickkkkkk-yyyyyy!”
PPPPPPPPPPPPPS—FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS YAKY, PLEASE get Becky some 1B, 4, 2, shoot, I’ll even take some 33!